You're putting me on. You really went to a strip joint?
- Would I lie? - You saw real strippers?
What do you think I saw there, a marching band?
So there I was, sitting in Eddie's Pink Palace, just sipping a little brew
and waiting for the Bubbles McCall to come out on stage and take it all off.
Hey, now, no cleats inside, huh?
Then all of a sudden the band starts playing "Night Train,"
And she comes out wearing this real slinky cocktail dress, spike heels,
and listen to this, long white gloves.
- And then she takes it all off, right? - No, stupid, this chick has class.
First she does the dance.
What kind of dance?
Well, it was nothing you've seen on Arthur Murray's Dance Party.
Anyway, she peels off the gloves, right?
And then she reaches around with one hand and unzips her dress real slow.
Telephone call for Richie Cunningham.
- Hey, Richie, phone. It's your mother. - Tell her I'll call her back.
Look, I got Glutton's Delight melting all over my hand.
I don't have time to be no personal message service.
- So anyway... - Mom, can I call you back?
Well, all right, but could you talk fast?
- She's sitting there, she stops... - A loaf of rye bread and TP.
TP?
Mom, you can say toilet paper over the phone.
Look, Mom, I gotta get going.
Ralph Malph's telling us about biology.
Right. I won't forget, Mom. See you.
...And then she ran behind the curtain.
I had to lift four car bumpers and take a cold shower.
- I wish I was there. - How'd you get in?
- That's terrific. Too much. - Too much.
Potsie, what happened? What did Bubbles do?
You'd never believe it.
Sure I would. Try me.
- You wouldn't believe it. - What?
What wouldn't I believe? What did he say?
Ralph Malph said you gotta see it to believe it.
What are you doing tomorrow night?
We can't get in there. You gotta be 18.
No problem. We just get fake IDs and we're in like Flynn.
Come on, where are we gonna get two IDs?
Do we or do we not have a friend named Fonzie?
- Sure. Where you going? - To set it with Fonz.
Look, I'll be over tonight before dinner.
We're never gonna pull it off.
Trust me, I'm worldly.
How can you be worldly if you have to fake being 18?
You wanna be worldly? You should work in that kitchen.
You want to talk to me about something?
Oh, no. No, Dad, I'm just sitting.
You look like you're waiting for someone.
Oh, no. No, I'm not waiting.
Okay.
- Mom wants you to open this for me. - Oh, sure.
- Who are you waiting for, Richie? - I'm not waiting.
- He's just sitting. - You want to try my Hula-Hoop, Dad?
Oh, Joanie, adults don't play with Hula-Hoops.
- Aunt Bessie did. - Oh, yeah.
She Hula-Hooped right out the front door,
and nobody saw her for four days.
- Did you get it open, dear? - Not yet.
- I'll get it. - I'll get it.
I'll get it.
- Hi, Mr. Cunningham. - Hi, Potsie.
- Fonzie. - Oh, hey, what a surprise.
I didn't know you guys were coming over tonight.
Upstairs.
His name is Pockets.
Quiet little guy.
Well, I guess we'll go on upstairs now.
Yeah. See you later.
What kind of a mother would name her child "Pockets"?
A kangaroo? Marion, I can't get this thing open.
You must have loosened it for me.
- All right, ready? - Oh, yeah.
- Where'd he get a coat like that? - It's a hand-me-down.
His brother gave it to him before they sent him to Sing Sing.
Chair.
- Two sets of IDs, right? - Right.
- Yeah, yeah. - Two sets of IDs.
What is this?
He wants you to see his forgery of Eisenhower's signature.
Yeah, that's very nice, Pockets.
- Very nice. - They think it's very nice, Pockets.
See, I told you Fonzie would solve our problems.
Are these things gonna look real?
Yeah, will we get our money's worth?
- Hey, what's the matter? - You hurt his feelings.
- He's professional. - Listen, I'm sorry.
- Tell him I'm sorry. - They say they're sorry, Pockets.
All right. Now.
- He needs to know your weight. - 145.
145. Eyes, blue.
Actually, they're really kind of grey.
I always thought they were green.
How about if he just writes down "tutti-frutti"?
- They're blue. - Thank you. Blue.
- All right, your height. - Five-ten.
Oh' come on' I'm 5'9".
- So I'm taller. - You are not.
- What do you mean I'm not? - Hey, hey, hey.
- Five-ten. - Five-ten.
- How old? - Twenty-two.
I guess you better put 18.
Eighteen.
All right, this one's finished.
- Hey, it's me. - Hey, the ink ain't dry yet.
All right, let's get to work on the next one.
I thought you boys might enjoy some milk and cookies.
Oh, thanks, Mom, but we're not very hungry.
And besides, the cookies might spoil my dinner.
Why, what is Pockets doing?
Oh, he's trying to get rid of the hiccups.
Yeah, yeah, he's got a bad case of the hiccups.
Hiccups.
- See? - Oh, well, I'll just put this over here.
- All right. - Dinner will be in a little while.
Okay. Thanks for the cookies, Mom.
That was close. All right, let's get back to work.
There, did that cure Pockets' hiccups?
Oh, yeah, Mrs. C. I'm sure that got rid of them.
Well, good. That remedy always worked for Richard.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm sorry. She's gone for good now.
- What are you...? Are you leaving? - Well, that's it.
A lady that goes, "Boo," milk and cookies?
I mean, the atmosphere just ain't right.
Well, I'm sorry, but what about my ID card?
I can't carry the world on my shoulders.
Sorry.
Oh, yeah, sure, here you go.
- See you. So long. - Bye.
Don't worry, Rich, I'll try and figure out something.
It wouldn't be the same without you.
You mean you really wouldn't go without me?
Oh, I'd still go, it just wouldn't be the same.
Oh, Howard, maybe you should cancel that meeting
with Fred Hingle tomorrow night.
Marion, for the business that Fred Hingle gives me,
I can suffer through a little case of the sniffles.
That is the loudest case of sniffles I ever heard.
None for me, thanks. I gotta go.
Why is it that this family just can't sit together
for five minutes after dinner and talk?
I'd love to, Dad, but I really gotta run.
You've been running ever since you started college.
You just leave the dorm long enough to wolf down a free meal,
or else, get your mother to do your laundry.
Dad, I gotta practise.
See, I'm changing my free throw from an underhand to an overhand.
- Looks better for the fans. - Well, then you're excused, Chuck.
I certainly wouldn't want to disappoint your fans.
- Good night, Chuck. - Good night, Dad.
- Well, Richie, what's new, huh? - Dad, can I be excused?
I gotta talk to Chuck.
So, Joanie, what's new, huh?
Paula Pratt gets a quarter more allowance than me.
Well, maybe her father's a quarter richer than me.
Oh, Daddy.
So, what's new, Howard?
- Got it! - Oh, hey, nice shot.
- Yeah. - Chuck.
You know, I don't know whether to go for the points or the applause.
Yeah. Chuck, I need to ask you a favour.
Shoot.
- Could you loan me your draft card? - What do you want it for?
- Well... - Going to a bar?
- Oh, no, nothing like that. - Strip joint?
Something like that.
- I'd lend it to you. - You would?
Except I already lent it to Bobby Gazzari.
Hey, look, I gotta go.
- Say, hey, Potsie. - Hey.
- How'd it go? You get his ID? - No, I struck out.
Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.
- Why not? - Because I hit a home run.
- Oh, where'd you get it? - Never mind where.
The important thing is we're gonna be at Eddie's Pink Palace tomorrow night
to watch Bubbles McCall take it all off.
- Joe Kilvinsky? - It doesn't matter what name's on it.
Oh, hey, this is terrific. Hair, red.
Weight, 135. Eyes, blue.
- Age, 25? - Yeah.
Oh, Potsie.
- I can't pass for 25. - Sure you can.
You'll wear a bow tie and look serious. They'll believe. See you later.
- Twenty-five? - Twenty-five what, dear?
Oh, 25 years.
Twenty-five years that you and Dad have been happily married.
Your father and I have only been married 21 years.
But it's nice of you to try to keep track.
Potsie, they're never gonna believe I'm 25.
I heard they beat up a guy once who tried to sneak in.
Don't worry, all they'll do is tear up your ID.
Joe Kilvinsky will beat you up.
Maybe we should wait for a better night. Maybe New Year's Eve.
I was only kidding. Besides, it's too late, we're here.
And away we go.
Oh, hey, that was easier than I thought.
We're in.
I hate to disappoint you, but that's in. We're still out.
You ain't 18, and these are fake IDs.
This isn't gonna work.
Hey, boss, there's a phone call for you in the office.
You want I should take over?
Yeah. Oh, and, Mory, watch it. Some kids tried to give me fake IDs.
Hey, don't worry, boss.
Welcome to Eddie's. Enjoy the show.
You mean I can just go on in?
Sure, unless you're a weirdo or something.
Oh, no. No, ask anybody.
Hey, Kilvinsky. Joe.
- You forgot your ID. - Oh, yeah, thanks.
Hey, wait a minute.
- Let me see this. - Oh, yeah.
You sure you're 18?
Oh, sure. I been 18 for a long time.
- When were you born? Quick. - '38?
I guess that's pretty close.
Enjoy the show.
- Now, that's what I call a woman. - Yeah.
Potsie, those girls over there smiled at me.
- Well, don't smile back. - Why not?
Because they're B-girls.
You offer to buy them a drink, they'll order champagne cocktails
at $5 a pop.
- What'll you have? - Oh, I'm not very thirsty.
I didn't ask if you was thirsty, I asked what'll you have.
There's a two-drink minimum.
- Beer? - Yeah.
- Beer. - Beer.
- She looks kind of bored to me. - Who cares?
- Is that Bubbles McCall? - Are you kidding?
Bubbles will make her look like Howdy Doody. This is just a prelim.
- Well, she's not taking much off. - Don't you know anything?
They don't let her take it off. They save it up for Bubbles. She does it all.
Here we go.
Hey, Bobbsey twins, your beer.
No pennies, please.
She juggles pretty well.
So what? We can see that every Sunday night on Ed Sullivan.
- When's Bubbles coming out? - She should be next.
- Potsie, did you hear that? - What?
- That sneeze. It sounded familiar. - What sneeze?
That sneeze.
- Potsie, my father's here. - Your dad?
Turn your chair around, or something.
Now, let's bring out Bubbles and have her do her stuff. Come on.
Potsie, we gotta get out of here before my father sees us.
Are you kidding? And miss seeing Bubbles do her stuff?
What if he sees us?
Then we'll die with a smile on our face.
Look, we got this far, we can't chicken out now.
Here it comes. This is where she takes it all off.
Okay, that's the show, ladies and gents.
Turn off the bubble machine.
How come they turned on the lights?
- She didn't take it all off yet. - Let's get out of here, Potsie.
- Ralph Malph said she took it all off. - Potsie, let's beat it.
What's America coming to when strippers don't strip?
This is our big chance. My father went to the men's room or something.
- Come on. - Okay, okay. What a drag.
You can't even get away from your parents in a strip joint.
Oh, brother, that was close.
What's the matter? You wanted to beat it, didn't you?
Potsie, my father was in a striptease joint.
I never thought he'd do something like that.
We did something like that.
But this is different. He's my father.
Yeah.
Come on.
And now we return to the conclusion of tonight's late show.
- Oh, hi, Dad. - Oh, hi, Richard.
Good night.
Have a good time?
Oh, you know, nothing special.
What did you do tonight?
Oh, I had a business meeting. You know, nothing special.
Well, I guess I better hit the hay.
Richard.
- Yes, Dad. - You forgot your souvenir.
Souvenir?
You were the centre of attention.
Now, would you mind telling me just how you got into that place?
Well, I sort of used a fake ID.
Well, in that case, you're sort of grounded for a week.
And let me have that ID.
Joe Kilvinsky, huh?
If he were here, I'd ground him for a week too.
Dad, does Mom know you were there?
Yes, Richard, I told her. It was a business meeting.
Every time this Fred Hingle comes into town,
he drags me down to that place,
and the better the stripper, the more nails I sell him.
Richard, I tell your mother everything. She understands.
- Then she knows I was there too. - No, that she wouldn't understand.
Thank you.
Well, you had to see for yourself what you weren't missing.
Yeah.
Yeah, Bubbles McCall wasn't exactly what Ralph Malph built her up to be.
You know, I think that Ralph Malph and Fred Hingle
would get along just great.
Come on.
- -Concludes today's scheduled programming.
Let's go to bed. It's getting late.
You know, I feel a cold coming on.
Oh, wait.
Man, that week you were grounded must have seemed like a month.
The only time I spent that long at home was when I had the mumps.
Ain't that bad. I watched a lot of wrestling.
Hey, you guys went down to Eddie's Pink Palace, didn't you?
- Yeah. - Well, how was it?
- Well, actually... - It was terrific.
They had all these girls, and there was this one, Bubbles McCall.
She's the one I heard took it all off.
Took it all off?
- You gotta see it to believe it. - Yeah?
Maybe I ought to check that place out.
Thanks.
- Anytime. - Yeah, so long. Bye.
- Why did you tell him that? - I don't know.
Because bull makes the world go round.
- What? - That's why you said it.
Because bull makes the world go round.
You know, Fonz, you really got a way of saying things.
- Yeah, that was very profound. - You know, you're right.
- Where you going? - I think I'm gonna write it
on the bathroom wall.